True Love: A Radical Concept

True love is most often associated with romantic love.  But is romantic love really “love” at all?

Romantic love is a result of attraction, and it is certainly a powerful force.  It happens when two people feel that the other completes them.  

We all have potentials that are not yet developed and expressed, but just waiting to break out and evolve.  When we meet another who has already developed these potentials, we are immediately attracted and inspired.  When this other person reflects not just one, but many of our undeveloped potentials, and that person also sees many of his or her undeveloped potentials in us, then we fall in love.

Those who are “in love” seem to walk on air, they seem truly lit up with happiness.  They feel finally complete because the relationship has filled holes that seemed empty and needed filling before, first by validating their ability to be loved and second, by supplying these undeveloped potentials in fully developed form.  We often characterize this state of bliss as “true love”.

Before our modern times, the partnership that was formed by this situation was the best possible outcome for both people.  Men and women were attracted to each other because they each embodied potentials that might have been realized by the other, but were usually not allowed to develop because of cultural norms.  Men had certain roles and women had other roles, and it was highly unusual and socially problematic for one gender to infringe on the other’s territory.

But the social climate today has changed to the point where men and women can develop potentials that were formerly reserved for only one gender or the other. For example, men are developing their ability to be nurturing by playing larger and larger roles in the lives of their children, and women are working outside the home and developing the more assertive qualities needed to excel in the workforce.

Of course, not all of what inspires us in another has to do with gender roles.  The old saying is that “opposites attract”, and this seems especially true for relationships.  For example, an introverted, reflective person is attracted to someone outgoing and vivacious.  Eventually the introverted person may become more outgoing as he learns social skills from his mate, while his partner may realize the advantages of a more reflective outlook on life.

Or a rugged outdoorsman may be attracted to a cleanliness obsessed, hairdryer fixated woman.  If each is open to why they were attracted in the first place, the man could well become more interested in domestic pursuits while the women might discover a growing appreciation for the outdoors that she never would have experienced had her lover not introduced her to it.

So today, a healthy relationship is one where both people can learn from one another and eventually develop many of the potentials that were formally only fully expressed by one or the other.  But ironically, while this sounds great on the surface, it often brings tremendous problems for the partnership.  If enough of these potentials are fully realized, the result may well be that the couple no longer feels romantically attracted.

Although this situation can be viewed as a positive outcome from a higher perspective, it is usually seen as a huge crisis for those involved.  Since romantic love is generally thought to be the only glue that holds the relationship together, its loss threatens the belief systems upon which the partnership is based.  Often one or the other may seek a new romance outside the relationship causing much anguish.  Or one or both may start finding fault with the other in order to explain why things are not the way they were.  Some may just decide that the relationship is not working any more and part company.

But this crisis is also an opportunity to move into a more mature kind of love, a true and unconditional love, a state where we no longer “need” one another for completion or validation, but instead choose to give our love freely with no strings or needs attached.  Being able to offer this kind of love depends on whether a person has grown into wholeness, has achieved a sovereignty in his or her own being where potentials have been developed, and is able to love themselves unconditionally.  In this case, energy and validation from others is no longer needed.

This kind of love can be offered whether or not two people choose to stay together.  It can also be offered by one person to the other, even if the other is not there yet, since it needs nothing in return.

But if both people have arrived at this point together, the romantic attraction based on need and personal growth can be replaced by an attraction rooted in the existential duality of separation and unity.  We consciously choose to merge ourselves completely with another.  We choose this state for a brief time and experience the incredible ecstasy that comes with physical and spiritual union, and then separate to experience once again our own unique and individual being. Since we need nothing from the other, we are free to give all of ourselves, while in return experiencing the whole being of the other.  Perhaps this is the real “true love”.

Love without need – a truly radical concept.

For more on energy and energy reality, see my book “It’s All About Energy:  Adventures in Expanded Reality”, available on Amazon, at local bookstores and on my website:  wwwtransformationalexpansion.com