Daring to Love Yourself

Truly loving yourself takes courage and resolve.

Because it is in societies’ best interest to establish cultural norms and teach us to put others before ourselves, self-love can be challenging.  For women especially, even loving our bodies in the face of cultural expectations is not easy.

But loving our bodies is only the tip of the iceberg.  We all strive to be “good” people, and caring for others before ourselves has been culturally defined as being a “good” person.  So if we choose to care for ourselves first, then it’s hard not to think of ourselves (even unconsciously) as selfish or “bad”.

So, the first step in loving ourselves is exploring our true identity, that is, defining who we are and what we want to accomplish in life without the input of society, culture, friends and family.

Much of what we feel, think, believe and say, is not really ours.  It comes from other people (as well as TV, books, movies, the internet and culture itself).   We have assimilated all this as our own without even realizing because we depend on this input for validation.  So when we claim our true identity and rely on only ourselves for love and appreciation, we often find ourselves flying in the face of cultural norms.

Given the difficulty this poses, why would we want to even undertake this awesome task?

First, we can only really love others if we love ourselves first.  This is certainly not a new or original thought.  But why is it so?

If I don’t truly love, accept and appreciate myself, whatever I do for others, (no matter how apparently selfless or noble) will always have a personal agenda attached to it.  If I do not love myself and am not complete within myself, I will always be looking for validation from others.  Doing “good” deeds is one way of getting validation, but it has an agenda nonetheless.  If I don’t get the validation I am looking for, I can become jaded and bitter and soon fall into victim-hood.  If I do get the validation I need, it is at best only fleeting and fragile, since it is entirely dependent on the whims of others.

It is only when we are completely comfortable in our own being that we can be of true service to others.  Service then becomes a gift that has no agenda or personal need attached to it, and is based entirely on the passionate expression of the soul.

Second, loving ourselves is the only way to attain true freedom.  We think of “freedom” as not being physically confined.  But even if we are physically “free” we are almost always culturally confined.  This is not to say that many of society’s rules and structures are not valid ways of ensuring fair and safe human interactions.  But when I truly love myself and need no outside validation, I am free to decide for myself how I want to live my life.
I can then create my own moral compass based on treating others the way I treat myself.

Are we not all inspired by those who are so complete within themselves that they can defy convention and follow the path of their heart wherever it leads despite criticism and controversy?  Are we not moved to tears when we see how compassionately and tenderly they treat themselves while treating others the same way?

But as much as we might admire these people, being around them is often not easy, because loving yourself means not letting others suck your energy.  It means not allowing or enabling others to fall into victim-hood in order to steal your vitality.  It means being absolutely honest with yourself, and therefore honest with others too.  It means establishing a fair and equal energy exchange with those you choose to call your friends.  Although you will still treat those who are infringing on your boundaries with the same compassion with which you treat yourself,  neither do you allow yourself to be drawn into other people’s dramas.  You simply gracefully withdraw your physical and energetic presence.

Loving ourselves demands new definitions of how we want to be in service.  If we no longer allow others to steal our energy in return for validation, how do we focus our loving energy outwards?

We do this by being able to bestow the same honor, respect and appreciation we feel for ourselves, on everyone, even those who seem never to get enough.  Just as we are honest with ourselves, we are honest with others to the degree they are able to hear it.  We choose what we want to give, when we want to give it and how much we want to give according to our own standards, and an honest appraisal of how much “good” we are actually doing.

But it takes courage and daring to do this.  It takes guts to defy conventional expectations and rely solely on self-validation.  It is truly a challenge to foster that deep self-appreciation that encompasses all your warts as well as your brilliance, and then act on it in the world.

Do you dare to love yourself?

For more on energy and the energy realm, see my book, “It’s All About Energy:  Adventures in Expanded Reality”, available on Amazon, in local bookstores and on my website, www.transformationalexpansion.com